The letter I never sent (also 'Third Level of Re-Education')

yes ur right it is going to be hard for me. i guess i dont get why not talking to me or replying to me when i sms or try to get in contact at all will help you get better, but to each his/her own i guess. Im not gonna lie, i really miss how things used to be and how things have changed and how much its been killing me every single day since this all started. Yep thats probably pretty selfish of me but since u dont seem to want to talk to me about things i guess it wont matter much anyway.

The coldness i get atm, that only I seem to be getting, nothing hurts more. Nothing. The fact that you sometimes try and fake it makes it even MORE pitiful and almost patronising for me.

Its a monster i cant fight. Its not fair that it should have the influence over you that i can never have. Thats not fair. Why cant you fight it?! Why cant ANYONE fight the fucking thing!?

I MISS you. I know its not ur fault, and in all honesty i dont blame you for any of it. Its my karma that i should fall in love with you right now wen ur at this stage of ur life. But me understanding WHY and understanding its not ur fault dosent change the fact that its really killing me.


I know wat u mean about how u worry about her, cause its exactly how i worry about you. And u not talkin to me bah fuck i dont even know wat im talking bout. I need to hear everything; and at the same time i wish that id never heard any of it.

You know that im not going to send this. Im just writing it to get all down; all thats been bottled up and ready to explode out of my chest. I know whats going to happen, and il tell you right now. Im going to put this on the blog, and instead send you a pissy little msg telling you how il alway be there for you and how you go ahead and do ur thing and il be there to catch you etc. and i know that ul coldly turn it aside and not reply to it and leave me hanging AGAIN like you ALWAYS do and il get just a little more angst-ey until i end up writing ANOTHER letter like this and hide it again until we get to a point that the monster takes over and you either eject me from ur life or eject ur own life altogether. Either way its a lose-lose situation for me and for you.

So why dont i send this msg? instead of the piss-weak ones i always send you, saying stuff i dont belive? Because you have no rock in ur life, and ur so fragile. Im the only thing you got that still has its head above the water. And if i go ul go for sure. And my stupid pride isnt worth as much as keeping you safe. Id rather forever be known by everyone (even you) as whipped and weak as long as i keep you from thinking theres no chance.

I dont even know if thats the case; and u know what? Ul get tired of my piss-poor attempts to 'be there' and ul drift furthur away from me until the point where you just leave me and never come back and then il be like you. Just another broken heart youv left.

Id tell you...no i wouldnt. I wouldnt tell you if i was down; otherwise id be sending you this. I have to stay strong. Im Winston, im the last man. If i go down; everyone goes down. I wont let that happen. Il let you leave me before i let that go. Before i let that demon infest my mind as well, that fucking depression creature. I wont get it, no blight-houses for me.

So yeah fine, grow that little bit more distant from me. It was only a matter of time. You never stand to be close to me, not the way i am. Not when i cant 'understand' you. You might not even know it now, but you will. And when you leave me and fall deeper into that hole il walk away and accidently kick the ladder, i can see it now. I go and youv lost all chance of getting out; because im the last man in ur life.

He ponders the question "how to make better a world where evil brings profit and virtue none at all?". You dont be virtuous for profit. I understand that now. I finally understand what it is to be 'good'.

I am willingly giving up the source of my happiness, pleasure, pain and inspiration so that others may enjoy it after me. So that the source itself can continue to exist, because its worth it. You.

Youl end up hating me by the end. But il save you, il save you reguardless. Ur lucky.

If depression was represented in a person; I would kill it slowly and painfully. I would watch as it bled to death, or burnt it slowly, or some form of ridiculous torture. I would enjoy every second of it, and so would depression. Everyone would be happy.

I would make it slow for all the pain it has indirectly caused me for existing, for the pain it has caused others, for acting like a kamazie bomber (killing the body it inhabits. I would kill it slowly like it slowly kills the people i love.

Id kill it slowly for having the audacity to ruin my life when all its doing is ruining its own. Id kill it slowly for causing me frustration to the point where I walk around in circles till my feet hurt, causing me so much fear I cant sleep, causing me so much anguish that I turn off all senses in my mind just to cope.

Id kill it extra slowly for how its extra slowly killing her. Id whisper in its ear is it was going. Id humiliate it, and give it no honor in its going. Id make it watch, id constantly degrade and destroy its mind. In short, id give it what it wants.

It wants it so bad?! Il give it to it. Il give it that filthy, bloody, anguished, lonely, loveless, gritty, faceless, dishonourable, degrading, useless death that it so craves for.

And when its dead id spit on its corpse, just for trying to miss with me. For trying to take me down. For taking down people better then me. For looking at me with cold eyes and lying. For speaking to me with a cold voice and not caring. For taking every ounce of love, passion, vitality, humor, culture and care that I had to give and just absorbing it.

For not giving me what I deserve. For what I deserve.

I would accept no payment; not for killing something the world needs dead so badly. I would walk out of the room, blood staining my clothes, weapon over shoulder, panting and heaving with a stoic expression on my face and shake my head at payment. Id do this one for free.

I wouldnt be able to live in a world without depression after that; not in the cold blooded way in which i acted. I am also a product of depression; the hate and anger i have to it welled inside me like cancer in a second-hand smoke patient.

There would be no place for me in the better world i would have created, but i would die happy knowing i saved humanity. I would die happy knowing i beat something that wanted to be beaten, and yet never gave into its demands. I would die happy knowing that the one thing that i cannot hope to understand died by my bare hands.

I would relish in that fact. I hate it so much.

O.K Computer, Interval

Fitter Happier
This interval is basically the rules for living in the 21st Century. Here they are:

fitter
happier
more productive
comfortable
not drinking too much
regular exercise at the gym (3 days a week)
getting on better with your associate employee contemporaries
at ease
eating well (no more microwave dinners and saturated fats)
a patient better driver
a safer car (baby smiling in back seat)
sleeping well (no bad dreams)
no paranoia
careful to all animals (never washing spiders down the plughole)
keep in contact with old friends (enjoy a drink now and then)
will frequently check credit at (moral) bank (hole in wall)
favours for favours
fond but not in love
charity standing orders
on sundays ring road supermarket
(no killing moths or putting boiling water on the ants)
car wash (also on sundays)
no longer afraid of the dark
or midday shadows
nothing so ridiculously teenage and desperate
nothing so childish
at a better pace
slower and more calculated
no chance of escape
now self-employed
concerned (but powerless)
an empowered and informed member of society (pragmatism not idealism)
will not cry in public
less chance of illness
tires that grip in the wet (shot of baby strapped in back seat)
a good memory
still cries at a good film
still kisses with saliva
no longer empty and frantic
like a cat
tied to a stick
that's driven into
frozen winter shit
(the ability to laugh at weakness)
calm
fitter
healthier
and more productive
a pig
in a cage
on antibiotics

O.K Computer, Act 1

To analyse art is a very difficult thing, and the most important thing to remember is that it will always vary on the individual viewing the piece. As Wilde said, “it is the observer, not the artist, which art reveals”.

O.K Computer is an ESPECIALLY hefty thing to analyse, I mean I’ve found thesis’ written by uni students about this album! And while I don’t really focus on the musical side in this, because im not really that experienced in it, I look into the amazing symbolic feel to this album.

Put simply, O.K Computer is the average 21st Century person represented in music. Every song is a different frame of mind he has, every song represents a different facet of his (and our) lives today. O.K Computer points out the basic truth: In today’s society we can choose wether to care or not, and we choose not to.


Airbag
This track really focuses on the fragility of humanity. An interesting opening to a CD! But not an uncommon thing when introducing a person :D The opening lyrics are symbolic of an everyday introduction that a guy might make at a party, very macho and assured of himself! “In an interstellar burst, I’m back to save the universe!”

Then we get to the talk of how an “airbag saved his life” and we are shown what its like beneath the surface. We see that no matter how much of a superhero we think we think we are, we can still all be shuffled off at any time. The reliance on the technology of the airbag to save us from the technology of the car is also nice and ironic :D lol


Paranoid Android
Oh God, where to start? Paranoid Android showcases the physical representation of our real role model, the perfect ‘21st Century Man’ who has everything we could ever want; money, fame, power – The corporate type. The opening bars of the song are interrupted by our ‘kicking, squealing, Gucci little piggy’ shouting over the top “HEY CAN YOU STOP THE NOISE?! IM TRYING TO GET SOME REST!!!”. There's no time for music in the day-to-day life of business (and we have to remember, he’s trying to get away from the ‘voices in his head’).

These corporate thugs like Trump; we look up to them, want to be them. They look down on us, sneering “when I am king, you will be first against the wall…with your opinions which are of no consequence at all”.

We are so obsessed with our appearance; it doesn't matter what we do as long as we look good doing it. Ambition? Makes you look pretty ugly! Fame is everything in today’s society, and we are so filled with self importance we get outraged when we feel we are not remembered “Why don’t you remember my name?! OFF WITH HIS HEAD!!...oh, I guess you do! ” (how embarrassing!).

And after the tumultuous crashing and rocking out of the first ‘movement’ we come to the inside of our corporate type…crying out to the powers that be to “rain down!”. When push comes to shove, he still relies on God or Fate or whatever to give him sense. For a moment, he looks around and sees the world as it is. He sees the panic, the vomit, the dust, the screaming, the yuppies networking. He actually looks at his life and realises its meaningless. He cries out incredulously to God, HOW CAN THIS BE?! “God loves his children, yeah?!”, once again shifting the blame from himself.

The man we are presented with in Paranoid Android is what we all want to be. Rich, famous, powerful; he is a shell of a man, a walking dead body. Paranoid Android shows that life with the purpose that these men have is meaningless.


Subterranean Homesick Alien
What person would be able to function without secret hopes and dreams? Everyone at some point feels bored with their life, living in a town where the most excitement comes from “watching your feet for cracks in the pavement”

But you know, there could always be adventure hiding around the corner. “Up above, aliens hover” we’re told matter-of-factly, like a child informing us how Santa gets down the chimney. How EXCITING would it be to be whisked away into the sky! How DIFFERENT from our normal lives!

The lyrics get more passionate and childlike as they go along “I wish they’d swoop down, in a country lane late at night while im driving!”. He dreams of being taken aboard and “shown the world as I’d love to see it”. He feels like he’s the only one to know this secret, that if he told his friends they’d never believe him! “They’d lock me away…but I’d be alright…”

And at each chorus, our man wakes up from his dreams. Back into reality, he apologises for his childish thinking. “Im just uptight…I’ll be alright…”


Exit Music (for a film)
Now this track was not originally written to be on this album, it was written for Baz’s Romeo and Juliet (as the title points out in the brackets). The lyrics tell the story of Romeo and Juliet, the greatest love story of all time. What does that have to do with modern life? Hmmm.

We read, we watch, we listen; we are entertained all day, every day. Our society is based on where we can watch our favourite soap, or escape into a fantasy, or laugh at ourselves in a comedy. I think Exit Music, other then being one of the most beautiful pieces of music ever played, expresses one of the most depressing issues inherent in ourselves…

The love story of Romeo and Juliet is passion to the point where they willing die for each other. Back in Shakespeares time, this was presented as a true story (at least, nobody come out and said it was false). Imagine that happening nowadays. Would you willingly die for somebody?

Now fast forward entertainment to today, with shows like Big Brother. We are actually presented with entertainment as being reality, and as such, we model our lives on it. Other forms of entertainment, like soaps and comedies, also seep into our lives. Television, music, radio; nowadays tools of guidance rather then pieces of entertainment. We unconsciously copy Neighbours in our relationships, music clips for how to dress, music or reality TV stars as how to act…we have become entertainment,

Radiohead present the story of Romeo and Juliet without mentioning names, like its happening to a random couple. We see how truly a waste of life it is…but that wont stop us learning from it. They hope that you choke.


Let Down
Now all this thinking and thinking and thinking we do on our own existence…anyone whose read THIS far will know it can get pretty serious and depressing. Life can be presented as a constant and consistent kick in pants, like being “crushed like a bug in the ground”.

This song is our everyday man saying “look, life’s a bitch and then you die…but I’d love to be able to believe in something…”. Like in Homesick Alien, we have moments of childlike hope “One day I will grow wings!”, but like in Homesick Alien he suddenly realises such talk is “hysterical and useless…sentimental always comes out drivel”.

Let Down shows how we refuse to believe in anything, for fear of being laughed at and for fear of being wrong. It showcases the death of hope, the death of faith, the death of belief.

Karma Police
Karma Police is a perfect example of how modern society deals with bad things happening. In short, we believe that people deserve the bad things that happen to them. In a way, its like worshipping some pagan god; “Punish those people, O great Karma! They dress differently, and act differently, and they deserve it!”

We want people to be punished for being different. We feel hatred to that which we don’t understand, and we take personal insult at people acting differently to how we do. “This is what you get, when you mess with us” we shrug. This is what you get for not being me.

And when something bad happens to us, we are incredulous! We can’t imagine any time when we deserved it. “Karma police; I’m doing all I can, and its not enough?!”

Media to Bring up my Kids on

Albums

John Mayer - Room for Squares
Radiohead - O.K Computer
Silverchair - Diorama
The Cat Empire - The Cat Empire and Two Shoes
Cat Stevens - The Best of Cat Stevens
Jack Johnson - Brushfire Fairytales
David Grey - White Ladder

Movies

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory
Star Wars (all 6)

Life Debt

Do you know what i realised today? I owe a life debt. There is somebody out there who is constantly there for me, somebody who i turn to in crisis, who always points me in the right direction, who always has the right answers, who knows what I want and how to get it to me.

I owe a life-debt to Google.

Without Google, I dont doubt for a moment that I would be dead. I just realise, after its just saved my arse again with my Theatre Studies folio, that its immense wisdom has saved me from trawling through links, or actaully going out and looking for something.

Its basically saved me from doing anything at all. Who needs librarys now?! Books?! They're a dead weight in society now, Google has all!

I dont have to get out of the house to shop anymore, Google can help me with that. I mean, Google forbid, I should see somebody I know down the street and have to talk with them.

Why go out at all? Google Earth can show me everything I ever need to see from the comfort of my own home! Look, there's my house! Hello house! And who needs to see people for entertainment? Google Video of the Day can sustain my social needs just fine! Its much more action packed!

I was on MSN, and I wanted to impress one of the masked participants with my superior knowledge. I run my mouse up the screen, all emotional like. I type 'www.g' and my computer straight away comes up with Google's adress. She knows who i want to see.

And Google takes me, and mothers me. "Calm down" It says (with no love in its voice, yet infinite love in its actions), "let me make all the descisions for you. Sit back and relax"...and I do....ahhhhhhhh.

Geez what a great invention, a stockpile of all information I'll ever need, plus most of the information i dont...Google knows all, sees all, and is equal to all. We could all learn from It, we should all learn from it! If Google was a person, a person who'd done all this for me, id be crazy not to love It...right?

...Big Google is Watching...

"Tom Wonders Why he Isnt Emo" (or "The New Black")

I will admit to something; something that can mean certain death in society, and yet NOT following this means certain death in the ‘real world’.

I had a selfish thought.

”Gasp” I hear you cry *rolls eyes*.

Ever had the feeling that the world revolved around you? Ever had the feeling that every single person has a bit of YOU in them? Who knows, maybe it’s meant to be the other way around.

But what came upon me, on the train on the way home from Greensy; was that even thought I have the feeling that everyone has a bit of me in them, even though I have people all around me and get the love and attention that everyone hopes and wishes for…I felt really alone.

And for some reason, even though I really felt alone, I didn’t feel too bad.

Now you have to understand, this wasn’t a moment where I went “oh yeah, looks like im a little alone here”, but this was a full-blown revelation. This was “even though everyone is a part of me, nobody seems to get me”, this was a FULL-BLOWN selfish moment lol.

I thought about what happens when I say things. People don’t get me, fight me, hate me, stand back from me, maybe even love me (im not sure about that, but I thought it worked).

I thought about whenever I hear peoples music, I like it. And how whenever people hear my music, they don’t. Same with movies, same with books.

When im smiling, people are downtrodden. When people are smiling, im most definitely not in the mood. When people understand, im confused. When people are confused, I know what to do.

And im still ok with that.

Now im not ok in the way that you'd see a character on TV be ok with something like that. On TV, the kid would go “I’m unique, and damn the rest of the world, im proud of who I am!”

I feel no pride for being different; I feel no amazing change in me. I still feel alone, but it’s not as hard as everyone makes it out to be. Don’t ask me why, but it is.

Emphasis on the self is important, but too much of it can lead to terrible places. Because too much selfishness and you realise the true feeling of being unique, and some people find that hard to take.

Maybe that’s what the human sex drive really is. An attempt to connect fully with something else, to feel like you’re like somebody else. You really only come out of it feeling less like anybody else.

The world is going to go through a terrible period in the next generation. These feelings are killing my generation, people aren't dealing with them. Sure I had a MOMENT, but that’s nothing to what other people are feeling. What people are calling the ‘emo’ movement is simply this feeling attaching itself to a generation.

I worry about a global epidemic of depression in the near future.

So how do you feel now, Tom? Hmmm? Do you feel like you have to quest against it? Roger Ramjet and his Eagles, fighting for our freedom (against the self)? This is impossible, how can you fight the little voices in OTHER people’s heads? How can you quest against something that WANTS to be hurt?

Do you feel you have to run away from it? Turn your back and run? Is that possible? You KNOW how many people in your life already are feeling the strain; you’ve tried this part before. Rewind the tape, didn’t work as well as you would have liked. It LIKES to be run away from, it FEEDS off that.

Treat it with a nonchalant attitude? Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn? How long can you stay out of the game, really? You can’t handle not being involved, you love the chase. Its something that cant be beaten like that, and it gets you SO PISSED OFF and is NO fun at all (not like the old days, not like the ‘easy’ stuff) but you cant help it anyway.

Depression feeds off depression. It makes you question your own ability. I see depression everywhere, and the point to this post is me saying “TOM, HOW CAN YOU BE LIKE THESE PEOPLE, YET NOT FEEL THIS? HOW CAN YOU HEAR THEM AND NOT FEEL IT AS WELL?!”

And it gets me thinking, it gets me down, it gets me right where it wants me. I see them depressed, and depression jumps across like a virus.

And imagine if I got depression, how everyone would react?
“TOM has depression!?”
”If TOM can get depression…”

And that’s all it needs, then I become a carrier. Then I cause the depression of anyone else who sees me do this. I remember I once used a metaphor about depressed people, how they suck the very happiness out of you to feed their starved bodies. I’ve realised that depression is like Meningococcal.

To stop depression, all I can do is not get it. Like Winston from 1984, if I am the only man left on Earth who is safe, then that is all I need. The last man? Impossible, the probability of another like me is much too great (my own existence is proof enough of that for me)

And then I look up, and suddenly I don’t feel so alone anymore. I might be a dying breed, the happy man, but there are still others out there. Im not alone at all, and when it comes to that, I am a freedom fighter of my own right.

By being alone, and ok with that, I win.
Aint pretty, but I win.