"Tom Wonders Why he Isnt Emo" (or "The New Black")
I will admit to something; something that can mean certain death in society, and yet NOT following this means certain death in the ‘real world’.
I had a selfish thought.
”Gasp” I hear you cry *rolls eyes*.
Ever had the feeling that the world revolved around you? Ever had the feeling that every single person has a bit of YOU in them? Who knows, maybe it’s meant to be the other way around.
But what came upon me, on the train on the way home from Greensy; was that even thought I have the feeling that everyone has a bit of me in them, even though I have people all around me and get the love and attention that everyone hopes and wishes for…I felt really alone.
And for some reason, even though I really felt alone, I didn’t feel too bad.
Now you have to understand, this wasn’t a moment where I went “oh yeah, looks like im a little alone here”, but this was a full-blown revelation. This was “even though everyone is a part of me, nobody seems to get me”, this was a FULL-BLOWN selfish moment lol.
I thought about what happens when I say things. People don’t get me, fight me, hate me, stand back from me, maybe even love me (im not sure about that, but I thought it worked).
I thought about whenever I hear peoples music, I like it. And how whenever people hear my music, they don’t. Same with movies, same with books.
When im smiling, people are downtrodden. When people are smiling, im most definitely not in the mood. When people understand, im confused. When people are confused, I know what to do.
And im still ok with that.
Now im not ok in the way that you'd see a character on TV be ok with something like that. On TV, the kid would go “I’m unique, and damn the rest of the world, im proud of who I am!”
I feel no pride for being different; I feel no amazing change in me. I still feel alone, but it’s not as hard as everyone makes it out to be. Don’t ask me why, but it is.
Emphasis on the self is important, but too much of it can lead to terrible places. Because too much selfishness and you realise the true feeling of being unique, and some people find that hard to take.
Maybe that’s what the human sex drive really is. An attempt to connect fully with something else, to feel like you’re like somebody else. You really only come out of it feeling less like anybody else.
The world is going to go through a terrible period in the next generation. These feelings are killing my generation, people aren't dealing with them. Sure I had a MOMENT, but that’s nothing to what other people are feeling. What people are calling the ‘emo’ movement is simply this feeling attaching itself to a generation.
I worry about a global epidemic of depression in the near future.
So how do you feel now, Tom? Hmmm? Do you feel like you have to quest against it? Roger Ramjet and his Eagles, fighting for our freedom (against the self)? This is impossible, how can you fight the little voices in OTHER people’s heads? How can you quest against something that WANTS to be hurt?
Do you feel you have to run away from it? Turn your back and run? Is that possible? You KNOW how many people in your life already are feeling the strain; you’ve tried this part before. Rewind the tape, didn’t work as well as you would have liked. It LIKES to be run away from, it FEEDS off that.
Treat it with a nonchalant attitude? Frankly my dear, I don’t give a damn? How long can you stay out of the game, really? You can’t handle not being involved, you love the chase. Its something that cant be beaten like that, and it gets you SO PISSED OFF and is NO fun at all (not like the old days, not like the ‘easy’ stuff) but you cant help it anyway.
Depression feeds off depression. It makes you question your own ability. I see depression everywhere, and the point to this post is me saying “TOM, HOW CAN YOU BE LIKE THESE PEOPLE, YET NOT FEEL THIS? HOW CAN YOU HEAR THEM AND NOT FEEL IT AS WELL?!”
And it gets me thinking, it gets me down, it gets me right where it wants me. I see them depressed, and depression jumps across like a virus.
And imagine if I got depression, how everyone would react?
“TOM has depression!?”
”If TOM can get depression…”
And that’s all it needs, then I become a carrier. Then I cause the depression of anyone else who sees me do this. I remember I once used a metaphor about depressed people, how they suck the very happiness out of you to feed their starved bodies. I’ve realised that depression is like Meningococcal.
To stop depression, all I can do is not get it. Like Winston from 1984, if I am the only man left on Earth who is safe, then that is all I need. The last man? Impossible, the probability of another like me is much too great (my own existence is proof enough of that for me)
And then I look up, and suddenly I don’t feel so alone anymore. I might be a dying breed, the happy man, but there are still others out there. Im not alone at all, and when it comes to that, I am a freedom fighter of my own right.
By being alone, and ok with that, I win.
Aint pretty, but I win.