Saturday, September 25, 2004

Self-Image

Lookin’ at himself and wishing he was someone else,
Because the posters on the wall don’t look like him at all.
So he ties it up, tucks it in, pulls it back and gives a grin,
Laughin’ at himself because he knows he aint loved at all

He gets his courage from the can, it makes him feel like a man,
Because he’s loving all the ladies but the ladies don’t love him at all.”
--Posters, Jack Johnson

That song by Jack Johnson is pretty much what low self-esteem is in a nutshell. You end up just “laughing at yourself because you know you aint loved at all” It’s not a happy laugh; it’s a laugh of self-pity. It’s the worst feeling. It makes you feel like you’ve become everything you campaign against. It’s a bleak feeling.

Everything looks a little more grey, every night a little more dark, every smile a little more fake. You look at yourself in the mirror and find nothing but a husk of pity.

You feel yourself sinking down into degradation, into the degradation that is yourself.


Luckily for me, it didn’t last long. I was ‘woken up’ by a friend of mine. She said what I needed to hear, and it wasn’t a compliment. It was truth. It wasn’t about my image; it was about my state of mind. “Just accept it!” she said. FINALLY, somebody said it! It was the verbal slap I needed.

It’s pointless feeling self-pity, and self-loathing. There’s no use in it, and nothing you can do about it. You just need to accept life and GET ON WITH IT!! Life there to be lived and not to be worried about ‘image’ or stuff like that!

Jack Johnsons song still applies for me, I still feel like that. But I'm ok with that, im at peace with who I am. We're all built for different purposes and I guess that just isnt mine. "So he ties it back, tucks it in, pulls it up and gives a grin; laughin' at himself because he knows he aint loved at all" The words are the same, but it has a different meaning now.

Self-pity gets in the way of you living, you fall into depression and don’t want to do anything, and this is the worst crime.

Life is beautiful, and its THERE to be LIVED!! You don’t like things about the world? Get up off your arse and change them! DO it, DO something! Happiness is something different in every person and it’s up to you to find it and do it! Mine’s laughing (lol, there’s a no-brainer). You wouldn’t believe how easy it is to laugh at things, the GOOD kind of laughing.

…and I don’t have anything inspiring to end that on so I’ll just stop ;)

Friday, September 17, 2004

Me

"Sweet talk will work 'till she finds out - how bad it rots out her teeth" --Reason Why by the Brand New Immortals

*Names have been changed, you know the drill

Do you know how pathetic I am? I cant stand what i've become, im disgusted at myself. I so badly want what other people have, relationship-wise, that I'll go to stupid ends to get it. I'll look for love in all the wrong places, and I reckon im getting so desperate id take any offer I could, and I hate it. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. Ive gone against everything that I once stood for about wanting to go out with people who I felt the connection with. Now? Now im just looking for some cheap sense of self-righteousness. What the hell is my problem?

Megan said she loved me. I think that's what started this. Megan's easygoing attitude turn seriousness makes ME think that there's something there. I KNOW I don't feel anything, but im pushing for it anyway! Do u KNOW what that's like? Reaching the epitome of desperation that I so badly need to fill my own self-consciousness by getting some girlfriend I don't have feelings for?! DO YOU KNOW HOW DISGUSTING THAT IS?

I was talking to a girl ive known for ages, Claire. And the subject turned to how we hate ppl who do that, get so desperate they 'get with' any chick who bats an eyelid. I had the GALL to pretend that I was on the same side as her! I was trying to crack onto her while SHE WAS SAYING IT FOR GODS SAKE! That's not love, that's not what I want. I might not know what love is, but its not this hollow feeling that I somehow think I can fill with a girlfriend.

I cant do physical relationships, im not 'built' for it, and people know it. I know it. Im lanky, and unco and im cool with that. I was made to be 'just friends' with all the girls I like in my life, and while that SHITS ME to no avail, it's the way things are. "He's such a nice guy" they say. Yeah well if that's the case then nice guys finish last.

I saw Liz today, and i felt the terrible pain that is 'longing'. It hurts, it really does. Its knowing that for all the love you have for her, she feels nothing for you. She dosent feel like you do, and it cuts you. Nothing had changed for me feelings wise. I still couldnt keep my eyes off her, i still hung on her every word and i still got taken in by those eyes of hers. You just want to break down sometimes, you see her and think that she will feel like that for somebody else, somebody that isnt you and wont be like you. YOU arnt good, YOU arnt what she wants, YOU arnt what anyone wants; and the only thing YOU want is her. Its like looking at a prize from behind bars, like looking up to find that what you want is in a tree just out of reach; it's frustrating and painful. You turn to other things, finding salvation in second and third best in a desperate attempt not to find yourself at the end of this experience with a 'negative figures' score. You do terrible things to yourself, and all you ever wanted was her.

But you'll NEVER have her, EVER. Getting over that is hard and its hard to say. You cant exept it, you look for things that could be considered as feelings for you only to find nothing. Nothingness. The same feeling you have inside yourself.

But all this changes nothing. If I at least keep any type of dignity though this phase im going through im at least going to know that I was MYSELF. I didn't turn to being a bastard, or being smooth with girls, or anything like that. I simply am me, and if I wasn made to 'compute' with girls well then that's the way it is.

You'd better get used to the lanky unco, because he's staying. No matter how low he goes, he'll be there. No matter what stupid decisions he makes, he'll be there. That's me, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Some say i was dealt a royal flush in life, but just because I win the hand doesn't mean I win the game.

Sunday, September 05, 2004

Music

"Words make you think a thought. Music makes you feel a feeling. A song makes you feel a thought" --E.Y. Harburg

*Edit: had to change it from 11 to 12 (i forgot Neon! How could i have forgoton Neon?!)

Music is HUGE for me. It's like food, and water and air (it is to most teenagers, most adults don't know ;) it's the key to understanding us).
I think the way to get the most enjoyment out of music is to get rid of any inhibitions you might have. Stop thinking pop is fake, or that death metal is crazy, that violins are classical or that techno is boring. You have to appreciate music for what it is! Strip it down and see it through the eyes of the people who made it. Pop's morals, death metal's philosophy, electric violins in rock bands (the BEST!) and techo's beats! There are a lot of other things I missed, but you get the general idea!

I thought I should show MY music and my favorite songs (and why). You can tell most about people by the music they listen to (and what they listen for!).

Favorite Songs

Ok, this killed me inside but i came up with my top 12 songs! To fit the bill, these songs had to have influenced my life in one way or another, be memorable because of a special occasion, or be so good i could listen to them for years (in many cases, I have!)

Neon by John Mayer
The city at night in a song, its that simple. I love the city, and this impossibly-hard guitar riff (John Mayer's speciality!) that starts off the song just captures it. I always smile when i hear this song, its brilliantly written and a great sound. Its a song you take to heart, i reckon i might want this played at my funeral, so much does it grab me. It should grab you to, just listen to it!

Skylark by Mel Torme (only his version counts!)
This song is so damn infectious. You'll be singing it everywhere, and I did on many occasions! It's the best "crooning" song, and is full of that old style 30's charm. Mel Torme's excelent voice makes it brilliant, and the flutes and muted trumpets just peak it over all the other songs.

Meditation by Joolz Gianni
The opening note to this song is an A. You know why you should care? Because that opening note pierces you in its brilliance, and slows life down to a snails pace. An instrumental piece mostly done on the sax, this song is the single most relaxing thing ever created. It is just plain beautiful, and life can only be fulfilling if you have listened to this song, believe me!

Endlessly by Muse
I have to say, tears spring to eyes when I hear this song. It grabbed what I felt after the Liz (not her real name!) incident and put it into song. Full of emotion, from longing to love to sadness to anger. It truely captures love, with crazy sounds (Mandolin trills, muted piano, techno-ey beat) and a fast pacing (even though the song seems slow). Brilliant lyrics, and perfect vocals. It makes you depressed about how love can hurt, but pushes you back up because it shows you that it really is worth it, no matter the cost.

The Crowd by Cat Empire
It is impossible to not be smiling by the end of this song (especially if you live in Melbourne). It could have been called "Ode to Melbourne", it really catches Melbournes vibe, and puts it into the most enjoyable song I know. It's the little things; like every time the chorus comes more people have joined in, all singing harmonies (the Crowd, get it?). Awesome brass, especially because it's not involved until second half of the song (the BEST entrance). The lyrics are as infectious and smart as the beat, you need to dance and sing this song by the end! I love it!

Hazy Shade of Winter by Simon & Garfunkle
I love S&G's style of music, and this one is their best hands down. It's very unknown to most, but is worth it if you can get your hands on it! They're guitar work is awesome, creating an infectious chord progression with a great feel to it. The lyrics are really S&G, as are the harmonies that they use (brilliant as ususal!) in every one of their songs. A top song!

Father and Son by Cat Stevens
One of the most well written songs ever. It's very much a story in a song, with the Father singing about how he is about to die, then the Son replying with how he can't take it at the moment. The best part is how they repeat these and have the other singing over the top (the impulsive Son trying to interupt the Father singing to get his point across, then the Father trying to calm the Son during his singing). While both parts are sung by Cat, they are so different. The Father singing calmly, and the Son singing powerfully and emotionaly. A brilliant piece of music, and one that brings tears to the eye.

Sic Transit Gloria (Glory Fades...) by Brand New
Truely captures the teen sex scene. The lyrics are so powerful and ironic (as Brand New do so well), it really shows how most teen sex is pressured and horrible. A great line from the song is "The tickle, the taste of, it used to be the reason I breathed and now it's choking me up". This song will shake you up, I should warn you. I actually felt sick after hearing it, so powerful is the song. Awesome guitar work with a great chorus, but not one you'd have on at a party ;). Well worth a listen if you like songs with messages.

Life Sentance by Epicure
Brilliant guitar work, as per usual by Epicure. A great one to sing along to, as the chorus is the most catchy music ever! Vocals are amazing, another trait of this Australian band. Awesome lyrics, a progressive song with a well suited track. Very hard to explain, as the beauty of this song needs to be heard. Get you're hands on it now!

Corner of the Earth by Jamiroquai
"Not your typical Jamiroquai" would be your first thought during the instumental opening of this song. This truely is one of the most beautiful songs ever written. Mother Nature could not ask for a better track to be represented by. Classical picking, sweeping violins, trumpet solo's; this song has it all musically. The lyrics carry a powerful message and is subtly funky in a way only Jamiroquai could do it. Makes you want to go hug trees, lol!

Apossibly by The Apex Theory
Opens with one of the BEST guitar riffs you will ever hear. Then breaks into a heavy chorus that makes you just want to headbang (lol). The dynamics of this song is something to watch, they way it's quiet on the verses (and the singer almost whispers sometimes, brilliant atmosphere) and then loud and heavy metal for the chorus. All this backed up with very well thought out lyrics and great muscial talent! Look out for the robot-y sounding bit and watch how well silence is used! Awesome!

Aisle 10 by Scapegoat Wax
One of the oddest songs to have ever been made, but is absoutly rockin! The beat is infectious, and the urban sound really pumps you up. Extreamly strange lyrics and some odd vocals at the end, but it's unforgettable (for all the right reasons ;) lol) This song is from the soundtrack of the game Jet Set Radio Future (which by the way, is one of the best video game soundtracks around!) Really funky and hip-hoppy, gotta love it!

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Unrequited Love

"O heavy lightness! serious vanity! Mis-shapen chaos of well-seeming forms! Feather of lead, bright smoke, cold fire, sick health!" --Romeo and Juliet

Unrequited love is as terrible as love, but it doesn’t have any beauty to it. It is the most terrible out come of love; it takes all the dark and gritty emotions that love gives and puts it into a package.
There are three types of emotion you feel from unrequited love.

Anger: Pure, red hatred. You hate everything that has to do with the situation. You hate her for refusing the love, you hate yourself for giving it and you hate the world for not giving it to you. But most of all, you hate the fact that you hate everything so much (especially her!) You want to scream and shout and break things. Good luck to any person who starts a fight with somebody in the anger stage of unrequited love because you will walk away with less then you came with.

Sorrow: Self-pity, sadness and depression. The world can’t get any more grey. A dark filter is almost laid upon your eyes. Everything you see reminds you of her, the music you hear, the places you go, everything brings back memories and questions. How can she not love me? Doesn’t she feel what I feel? Doesn’t she CARE how much of myself she took?

Longing: It’s like a thirst you know you can never ever quench. You look at her, and you want her in your arms but it can never be. The fact that you KNOW it hurts the most. You want to moan, groan and it kills you slowly, like dying in the desert without water. You have hallucinations of scenarios where she comes back spouting “What was I thinking! I didn’t mean what I said! I love you!” It’s an unescapable feverish dream world that slowly saps you of everything.


You think all the time. Think about what she feels. Nonchalant? Guilty? Relived? From there you run scenarios in your head, over and over. You see her crying in her bed about what she’s done. You see her laughing with her friends about what you said. You see her with other guys, you already forgotten; a dream as lost as the ones you keep having. You see her lost, as you are.

You’re body functions on auto-pilot as people all around you give advice. “You’ll be fine”, “she’ll be fine”, “it’ll all be fine” Your body absorbs it all like a tissue in a lake. You get smothered in them, asphyxiated. You get sick to your stomach of hearing them, you get sick of people. But you can’t be alone, you need people as well. It’s a crazy time, and it hurts like hell.

You live life like you’re a semitone out of society. Just out of sight, just not there. It flows around you like a rock in rapids, while you stop. You don’t think clearly, you don’t even know what you’re thinking about.

You don’t want to see her, but you need to talk to her. You never want to touch her again, but you want her in your arms. You hate her for no reason, but you love her still. She’s a splinter in you’re mind again, but it’ll never leave you. You have to learn to work around it.

You have to grow to fit the splinter, put a damper pedal on the pain and pluck yourself back into society. It’s hard, but it has to be done.

And it always is.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

Emotion

"There is always something ridiculous about the emotions of people whom one has ceased to love." --Oscar Wilde

*All names have been changed so as to not incrimminate real people

I can tell when I’ve been really hurt, REALLY hurt, by my emotions.
When something extremely bad happens to me, I don’t go into a rage, kicking and screaming, pointing and blaming, fuming and reddening.
I don’t get into a sad state, crying and sobbing and feeling self-pity. There’s no “O woe is me” stuff or thinking about how awful everything was.
There’s no depression. No suicidal thoughts or “the world sucks” thoughts. Life is always beautiful and will always continue.
I don’t go all philosophical. I don’t consider the spiritual side of the tragedy, nor do I look at it from a world’s perspective and see that it’s all meaningless in the game of life.

All these ‘emotions’ happens over the minor things, no matter how “big” they seem. I would get emotional if I missed out on a place in a Uni, or if a friend was moving away. But the way I react when something really hurts me is total and utter neutrality.
There is literally no emotion.
It’s like hollowness, nothingness. It’s like saying darkness is absence of light. This emotion is absence of emotion. It’s a black hole of emotion. I don’t laugh, or cry, or think. I just stop and put myself on auto-pilot for a while. It’s not indifference, it’s not like I don’t care. I just don’t feel anything. If anything, I feel guilty that im not feeling anything.
After a while, the emotions just run together like channels meeting a river. I’d be laughing, and then crying. I’d feel depressed, then realize how stupid it is to be depressed in the game of life.
When my auntie, uncle and two cousins died in a car crash I felt it. I loved them to pieces, and I felt nothing. No thought passed through my head, there was just…nothing. Of course I think (I would even think about the bad thing) but it almost like I was looking at it from outside. A third party to the exceptionally melodramatic episode of Neighbors I call my life.

Liz said no, and I knew she would. All the fantasies I had of us getting together in some romantic format were all just fantasies. I even think I knew that when I thought them up.
I remember having fantasies of her saying it too, “I love you too, but as a friend”. I remember fantasizing my tumultuous anger, my extreme depression, my thirsty longing. I had felt these all the time throughout this experience, and I expected a rush of these emotions when I would be confronted with the pain. I never imagined feeling my ‘emotion’ but that’s what I got.
She said those exact words. “I love you too, but as a friend”. I knew, as soon as I read it that I had been cut deep. I knew, because I didn’t feel. I didn’t even feel that *sigh* that you get when disappointed (like when you open a present to discover it’s not what you want). My hands stopped shaking and steadied, my brain stopped dreaming and sharpened with pinpoint precision, my eyes glazed over. I looked at the words on the screen and didn’t feel disappointed, un-loved, relived, happy, sad or angry. I felt like an innate object, a rock in calm waters.

I guess now it’s just a waiting game. Of course, I’m going to keep seeing Liz. I still love her and I want to be around her. As friends, or in a relationship, I still want to spend time with her because I enjoy it. And that’s the way it’ll always be.