Me

"Sweet talk will work 'till she finds out - how bad it rots out her teeth" --Reason Why by the Brand New Immortals

*Names have been changed, you know the drill

Do you know how pathetic I am? I cant stand what i've become, im disgusted at myself. I so badly want what other people have, relationship-wise, that I'll go to stupid ends to get it. I'll look for love in all the wrong places, and I reckon im getting so desperate id take any offer I could, and I hate it. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. Ive gone against everything that I once stood for about wanting to go out with people who I felt the connection with. Now? Now im just looking for some cheap sense of self-righteousness. What the hell is my problem?

Megan said she loved me. I think that's what started this. Megan's easygoing attitude turn seriousness makes ME think that there's something there. I KNOW I don't feel anything, but im pushing for it anyway! Do u KNOW what that's like? Reaching the epitome of desperation that I so badly need to fill my own self-consciousness by getting some girlfriend I don't have feelings for?! DO YOU KNOW HOW DISGUSTING THAT IS?

I was talking to a girl ive known for ages, Claire. And the subject turned to how we hate ppl who do that, get so desperate they 'get with' any chick who bats an eyelid. I had the GALL to pretend that I was on the same side as her! I was trying to crack onto her while SHE WAS SAYING IT FOR GODS SAKE! That's not love, that's not what I want. I might not know what love is, but its not this hollow feeling that I somehow think I can fill with a girlfriend.

I cant do physical relationships, im not 'built' for it, and people know it. I know it. Im lanky, and unco and im cool with that. I was made to be 'just friends' with all the girls I like in my life, and while that SHITS ME to no avail, it's the way things are. "He's such a nice guy" they say. Yeah well if that's the case then nice guys finish last.

I saw Liz today, and i felt the terrible pain that is 'longing'. It hurts, it really does. Its knowing that for all the love you have for her, she feels nothing for you. She dosent feel like you do, and it cuts you. Nothing had changed for me feelings wise. I still couldnt keep my eyes off her, i still hung on her every word and i still got taken in by those eyes of hers. You just want to break down sometimes, you see her and think that she will feel like that for somebody else, somebody that isnt you and wont be like you. YOU arnt good, YOU arnt what she wants, YOU arnt what anyone wants; and the only thing YOU want is her. Its like looking at a prize from behind bars, like looking up to find that what you want is in a tree just out of reach; it's frustrating and painful. You turn to other things, finding salvation in second and third best in a desperate attempt not to find yourself at the end of this experience with a 'negative figures' score. You do terrible things to yourself, and all you ever wanted was her.

But you'll NEVER have her, EVER. Getting over that is hard and its hard to say. You cant exept it, you look for things that could be considered as feelings for you only to find nothing. Nothingness. The same feeling you have inside yourself.

But all this changes nothing. If I at least keep any type of dignity though this phase im going through im at least going to know that I was MYSELF. I didn't turn to being a bastard, or being smooth with girls, or anything like that. I simply am me, and if I wasn made to 'compute' with girls well then that's the way it is.

You'd better get used to the lanky unco, because he's staying. No matter how low he goes, he'll be there. No matter what stupid decisions he makes, he'll be there. That's me, and there's nothing I can do about it.

Some say i was dealt a royal flush in life, but just because I win the hand doesn't mean I win the game.