Envy, Violins, and Other Things

"Never frown; you never know who's falling in love with your smile" --An Anonymous Friend ;)

You know what I was thinking about today? I was thinking about somebody I know, and how lucky they are with life. How easy it seems for them. Of course, I know my life is nothing to complain about, and im not. I was just thinking and being envious (lol). And as I was thinking about how I always end up playing second fiddle to him in everything, I remembered a conversation I had with a good friend of mine where he confessed he felt jealous of me. He felt exactly what I was feeling for somebody else.

It was then that it hit me; we all really do all play second fiddle to somebody else. There always will be somebody else better then us. But that’s not a bad thing! Because no matter how bad you feel at the time, there is always somebody wishing that they have what you have.

Of course, you’d think that that’s impossible. How can that work? It would be a spiral downwards, and would have to end somewhere. But it DOSENT!! Do you know why? Because people are always envious of lots of people; everyone is jealous of other people for different reasons!! It’s not a spiral, it’s a circle. Somebody could be jealous of somebody else for their friends, that person could be jealous back about how easy school is for the first person (a pretty clichéd metaphor, I know, but bear with me lol)

The point im trying to make is that everyone is always looking to other people in a bid to improve their lives. People always want what they don’t have, because people are always sure that other lives must be easier or more fun then their own.

But don’t think that. Your life is special to other people, wether you know it or not. There is always somebody in the world that needs you there; either to be a yardstick, an ivory God statue, or even to be a second fiddle!

People need people; it’s a fact of life. Wether it be to criticise, to love, to hate, to learn from or even to see walking down the street. Just the knowledge that other people exist, and that other people have as much trouble, confusion and doubt as we do can help us get through our day to day life.

Respect people, they need you as much as you need them.

(Isn’t it ironic? I play ‘second violin’ in a string quartet. Get it? “Second fiddle”? Lol, you’ve got to love those ironic twists ;) I know I do!)

Love [Revised]

"I had nine lives but I lost all of them
and I’ve been searching in the night
and I’ve been searching in the rain
I tried to find them
but they disappeared
they walked away, they dressed in black, they left my side
and all I say is that I wasted time when I looked for them
for now I know that things gone past
are never to be found again
no never never again
I had nine lives
but lost all of them..." --The Lost Song, The Cat Empire

I know that wherever I’ll go I’ll be loved. I know that well, ive had it told to me millions of times before and I truly believe it. I have no worry about that, because it seems ive got that thing there that makes people feel that way, that they want me to be there for them.

And you know what? It can really suck.

Because for the second time in so many weeks ive been denied a relationship with somebody I really care for because of that reason. “I would rather have u as a friend at the moment. that way i can have u forever instead of a little while, i cant keep relationships for long, this sounds terrible, but i get bored no matter how much i luv them. and i never want to get bored of u” she said.

Brilliant. Bloody brilliant isn’t it?

Because now ive FOUND it. I’ve FOUND my factor that so prevents me from getting close to the people I love. She laid it down in black and white right there.

There’s nothing I can do. Nothing. Im not going to change myself, that would be stupid. I don’t want to lose what I have with so many. But I NEED things too, you know. All this giving and giving and giving, while feeling righteous, leaves me with nothing.

With all the ‘love’ I have, im still going to be lonely.

She went on and on about how much I mean to her etc etc. and I should be happy about that. I should be happy that I am valued by somebody in this world so much. But you know what? Right now I don’t give a shit. Because right now, I don’t have what I want, and I want very little. I want that, that’s all.

“I love you Tom…but” and “I love you too much to lose you’re friendship” is all I hear. Even if it is true, it still feels like shit to me. Every SINGLE time, over and obver, like a scratch on a CD.

Love. I hate the term. It’s a term that changes alligences. Changes meanings. Apparently the Greek language has four different ways of saying ‘love’, and that isn’t even NEARLY enough. I hate hearing it, because I don’t know what it is, not love. It’s a foreign object to me. A certified unidentified flying object. It means so many things but it means nothing. I could be told about how much she ‘loves me’ and how she ‘never wants to let me go’, but her reason for distancing me is exactly that!

Yeah yeahl I get where she coming from. The friends thing. I’ve heard it so many times I know what it means. But I just want HER!

I know how selfish I sound, and I am being selfish. But we all have times where we’re allowed to be selfish! I go through life making OTHER people feel good but for ONCE I want to have something! I want what I want! Am I so denied that?

And you now what? At the end of the day im alone. No matter what anyone says, no matter the verbal back-pattings I receive, no matter who I confide in and who confides in me; I am alone.

Wether that’s good or bad I dunno yet.

Choice

"Guess, if you can, and choose, if you dare." --Pierre Corneillie

*Names have been changed...you have been warned ;)

Ive been thinking about her, and dreaming about her. It’s not good, and its going nowhere but it still plays on my mind. She pops up into my mind, and her voice fills my head. Like a phantom splinter in my mind; I find myself staring into space smiling, laughing at stupid moments, and falling into extreme moments of depression. How can you ever truly love somebody who you know you can never have? Never even try for? Not because of lack of feelings, but of the knowledge in your heart that it’s the wrong thing to do. It tears me in two.

But to tell her? Those same words that have been uttered so many times by so many. That’s all I get back, this time would be no exception. She simply wouldn’t, I don’t know how she feels for me and I don’t think I ever truly will. I play out scenes in my mind where she tells me she loves me (a common occurrence) but I wake up too early.

It’s different then the fiery passionate love I have for Liz, different then the fanatical protective love I have for Tess; this is different again. This is a connection so strong it can never be severed, a connection we both know is there. A connection that can make a great friendship, a crash and burn relationship or an unbreakable love. I have a fair idea that option one is my only option, the idea of risking crash and burn for love is too much pain. Too much right now.

But as always, you wonder. “What if?” It’s the “question that drives us”. It makes us or breaks us. I could have any of those three options, there are possibilities for each one. It all comes down to the question that pretty much sums up human evolution in my book; “how much are you willing to risk to achieve?”

Choice can break us to the point of leaving our inner selves curled up in the corner crying. It can strengthen us with fanatical hope. It can confuse us to the point of eternal noodle-scratching. We don’t always understand our own choices or the choices of others; its what makes us human.

Choice gives us bad experience, bad experience gives us mindful thinking, mindful thinking helps us make choices. It goes around in a circle. If we had immortality, we would eventually run out of bad experiences to have; and that would kill us (which makes immortality impossible, but I’ll save THAT for another time ;) lol).