Choice

"Guess, if you can, and choose, if you dare." --Pierre Corneillie

*Names have been changed...you have been warned ;)

Ive been thinking about her, and dreaming about her. It’s not good, and its going nowhere but it still plays on my mind. She pops up into my mind, and her voice fills my head. Like a phantom splinter in my mind; I find myself staring into space smiling, laughing at stupid moments, and falling into extreme moments of depression. How can you ever truly love somebody who you know you can never have? Never even try for? Not because of lack of feelings, but of the knowledge in your heart that it’s the wrong thing to do. It tears me in two.

But to tell her? Those same words that have been uttered so many times by so many. That’s all I get back, this time would be no exception. She simply wouldn’t, I don’t know how she feels for me and I don’t think I ever truly will. I play out scenes in my mind where she tells me she loves me (a common occurrence) but I wake up too early.

It’s different then the fiery passionate love I have for Liz, different then the fanatical protective love I have for Tess; this is different again. This is a connection so strong it can never be severed, a connection we both know is there. A connection that can make a great friendship, a crash and burn relationship or an unbreakable love. I have a fair idea that option one is my only option, the idea of risking crash and burn for love is too much pain. Too much right now.

But as always, you wonder. “What if?” It’s the “question that drives us”. It makes us or breaks us. I could have any of those three options, there are possibilities for each one. It all comes down to the question that pretty much sums up human evolution in my book; “how much are you willing to risk to achieve?”

Choice can break us to the point of leaving our inner selves curled up in the corner crying. It can strengthen us with fanatical hope. It can confuse us to the point of eternal noodle-scratching. We don’t always understand our own choices or the choices of others; its what makes us human.

Choice gives us bad experience, bad experience gives us mindful thinking, mindful thinking helps us make choices. It goes around in a circle. If we had immortality, we would eventually run out of bad experiences to have; and that would kill us (which makes immortality impossible, but I’ll save THAT for another time ;) lol).