Love [Revised]

"I had nine lives but I lost all of them
and I’ve been searching in the night
and I’ve been searching in the rain
I tried to find them
but they disappeared
they walked away, they dressed in black, they left my side
and all I say is that I wasted time when I looked for them
for now I know that things gone past
are never to be found again
no never never again
I had nine lives
but lost all of them..." --The Lost Song, The Cat Empire

I know that wherever I’ll go I’ll be loved. I know that well, ive had it told to me millions of times before and I truly believe it. I have no worry about that, because it seems ive got that thing there that makes people feel that way, that they want me to be there for them.

And you know what? It can really suck.

Because for the second time in so many weeks ive been denied a relationship with somebody I really care for because of that reason. “I would rather have u as a friend at the moment. that way i can have u forever instead of a little while, i cant keep relationships for long, this sounds terrible, but i get bored no matter how much i luv them. and i never want to get bored of u” she said.

Brilliant. Bloody brilliant isn’t it?

Because now ive FOUND it. I’ve FOUND my factor that so prevents me from getting close to the people I love. She laid it down in black and white right there.

There’s nothing I can do. Nothing. Im not going to change myself, that would be stupid. I don’t want to lose what I have with so many. But I NEED things too, you know. All this giving and giving and giving, while feeling righteous, leaves me with nothing.

With all the ‘love’ I have, im still going to be lonely.

She went on and on about how much I mean to her etc etc. and I should be happy about that. I should be happy that I am valued by somebody in this world so much. But you know what? Right now I don’t give a shit. Because right now, I don’t have what I want, and I want very little. I want that, that’s all.

“I love you Tom…but” and “I love you too much to lose you’re friendship” is all I hear. Even if it is true, it still feels like shit to me. Every SINGLE time, over and obver, like a scratch on a CD.

Love. I hate the term. It’s a term that changes alligences. Changes meanings. Apparently the Greek language has four different ways of saying ‘love’, and that isn’t even NEARLY enough. I hate hearing it, because I don’t know what it is, not love. It’s a foreign object to me. A certified unidentified flying object. It means so many things but it means nothing. I could be told about how much she ‘loves me’ and how she ‘never wants to let me go’, but her reason for distancing me is exactly that!

Yeah yeahl I get where she coming from. The friends thing. I’ve heard it so many times I know what it means. But I just want HER!

I know how selfish I sound, and I am being selfish. But we all have times where we’re allowed to be selfish! I go through life making OTHER people feel good but for ONCE I want to have something! I want what I want! Am I so denied that?

And you now what? At the end of the day im alone. No matter what anyone says, no matter the verbal back-pattings I receive, no matter who I confide in and who confides in me; I am alone.

Wether that’s good or bad I dunno yet.