10 Things I Hate About You, Me, and the Phone

“*sneezes* Oh im sorry, its just that im allergic to bullshit” –Will Smith, I Robot

You know what the problem with me is? Im an arrogant arsehole. The world revolves around Tom and that’s that. To me, everyone has a duty to fulfil for Tom and if they don’t? Well then I whinge and moan and crap on like a bitch. Load my mouth with dung and hay and spout bullshit; a perfect Foulon’s Head.

The problem? Im full of shit. And after im done people are like “oh Tom, damn those people impeding on your life!” And they “yes Tom” and they “no Tom” and they “three bags full Tom” until the cows come home. Yes-men. All because I cant take responsibility for myself. And if anyone dares try and talk to me later about this issue will only strengthen my point so don’t bother.

I just read what I wrote…I just showed how I only think of myself! Blamed it on everyone else.

The day I get over myself is the day everyone else can get happily on with their lives. “Man is born free, but is everywhere in chains that lead back to Tom”

So she doesn’t love me. Whoop-de-fuckin-do, took you a while to figure that out, eh Romeo? Wake up, dumbarse, everyone else has.

Then again, why should she love anyone else? I love her, isn’t that enough?

You know perfectly well its not, stop being melodramatic.

Being melodramatic is what makes me me.

Makes the egotistical me.


I love her…or do i? Am I just putting it on? A soap opera within a soap opera? Touch wood; or is it too late?

I just hate change; hate letting go. Things change (hang on, I’ve been at THIS sentence before…). I’ve been at this sentence once, twice, a million times before; in my head, on paper, on computer. My problem with letting go of this sentence is that I never got to the full-stop. The full-stop is the hardest punctuation mark. It signifies and end. An end to all that you loved or hated. Better the devil you know.

She loves him. That’s not the bad thing though. When I found out, and found that I really wasn’t worried about her loving HIM, I thought “well that’s because he’s a really close friend of yours and you really trust him” but once I looked past my social façade, I found the real reason. He doesn’t love her back. He will never love her back. For whatever reason; it’s probably been my doing. With all this poetic justice ive been dealing out, ive made it a taboo. Quite frankly, I don’t care. Quite frankly, if that’s what I have to do then that’s what I have to do.

A dog is barking outside. Its echo makes the one voice seem like a chorus of followers. An untameable legion of dogs, champing at the bit, ready for action. But it’s nothing. Nothing but its own voice. The dog goes silent, and sees how empty the world really is. Silence, but for the cars driving away.

I hate the phone and the phone hates me. Its impersonality rings like a clarion. It’s the fakest, most materialistic invention of mankind (or at least, it has evolved this way). Its like talking to somebody through a wall. No visibility removes all human contact. The ability to hear voice makes people think it’s actually more personal then MSN. HA! The voice creates a false sense of INsecurity, making it feel more real. I hate the phone, its never anything but bad news.

Hyper MUSEic and The Human Equasion

“You wanted more then I was worth.
And you think I was scared,
and you needed proof.
Who really cares anymore?
Who restrains?”
–HyperMusic & Hyper Chondriac Music by Muse

I was listening to Muse the other day, and found that two songs (on separate albums) have the exact same lyrics and same vocal melody line. But the songs couldn’t be more different. HyperMusic and Hyper Chondriac Music are about the exact same thing, but they couldn’t be more different.

Hyper Chondriac Music is played on a single nylon stringed guitar. The chords are strummed, and then strange sound effects fill the song, giving body. Discordant harpsichord runs and distortion scrambling. Then Matt’s voice comes out of the almost silence to sing what seems to be a depressed song about love lost. The song builds up, with a piano riff playing eternally in the background. Then out of the calm comes a heavily distorted electric guitar playing a mournful solo. It truly is amazing hearing something so angry and heavy playing something so mournful and depressing. “I don’t love you” croons Matt, with sadness ringing through his trembling vibrato “and I never will…” The song concluded with a cacophony of strange noises and distortion.

HyperMusic starts with the sound of a string being pulled to its full potential, and before almost snapping, goes straight into the fast, heavy riff that becomes the centre of the song. The drums play an infectious line that makes you want to get up and jump around! Matt comes in, screaming at the full potential of his falsetto. It’s an angry song, about love failed, and with the random screaming of lines in the background, makes it out that this person did not want that love to end. “I don’t love you!!” screams Matt, almost like he doesn’t want to hear what he’s saying “and I never will!!”

I haven’t ever seen this kind of thing done before, with exactly the same vocal line being used in two totally different songs, but the effect created is amazing. It really does bring out the fact that there is two sides to every story, and that emotions never come in ones.

Losing a person you love, no matter who it is or how you lose them, is probably the most traumatic thing a human being goes through in life. From death to rejection, the subtraction of love from a human life is the single most destructive thing in the universe.

Somebody once told me that death is the opposite of love, this is not true. Death is a product of love. Millions die every day, and we don’t know, because we don’t love them. How can we? We’ve never met these people. If we don’t know about it, don’t have knowledge of it, then death doesn’t exist. But when one person dies that you love, the world collapses. And everybody dies, right? Therefore, loving somebody automatically creates death, because death is only seen and felt when we love the person who dies.

Love creates death in our lives, and couple that with the fact that love blinds truth; and you have the proof that love is the most powerful emotion in the human body.

What other emotion has the power to create life and death?

That is why love is essential to human life. It doesn’t counter death and balance the human equation; it is the human equation.

If you want to learn about death, you have to throw away all previous thoughts you have ever known about it. The number one thought you must throw away is that death is the opposite of life. Even though this might be true, this can create the impression that they are constantly against each other, or that (God forbid) one is good while the other is bad.

Death has been blown into this idea that it is a thing to be feared, or worshipped, or respected, or avoided. Death can only be the beginning of new life (or true life, even). There is one fact on Earth that proves that there is another ‘shade’ of life waiting for us after death:

Earth is the perfect training ground. Why would we learn so much and build so much skill only to lose it?

Let’s go through some theories of death, and discuss:

- When we die, we are united with God in heaven. We are cleansed of all sins and become perfect like Him. We spend eternal happiness with God in heaven: The most common of all death theories, the Christian one. ‘Eternal Happiness’?! I couldn’t imagine anything more horrifying. I pray to God this is false. ‘We become perfect like Him’?! While yes, God is perfect, he sure as hell wouldn’t be if he made us perfect as well! Perfection, uhg *shudders*. If this theory is true, I would rather nothing.

- When we die, our spirit is reborn with no memories, into a different body. After seven lives, we gain enough experience to move into Nirvana, the state of perpetual knowledge and inner peace: Can’t remember wether this is Buddhist or Hindi, but meh. They say we start at the small forms of life and get a better body each time, and that human is the last one. So in the end, it’s really the same basic principle as the Christian one.

-When you die, there is nothing: The hardest to believe. The others I can believe (even if I don’t really), this one I cannot. But if this was true, then God would be like a machine. Pumping out new ones and discarding of the old, the ultimate industrial business. An atheists oasis ;)


My beliefs? I believe that there is another plane of existence out there that we are getting ready for. I don’t know how to explain it, but I can see myself living eternally (and I mean LIVING eternally, none of this perfection crap).

Life is our heaven, enjoy it before you enter death and what lies beyond.

Why?

Because.


Or better yet, why not?

Sunburn

“She burns like the sun, I can’t look away
She’ll burn our horizons, make no mistake” --Sunburn, Muse

Having a girlfriend alienates you from every other living thing on the planet wether you like it or not. A good example is two people in a protective bubble watching the world crash down around them. It’s you and her and no-one else, and that’s hard to accept sometimes.

It stops a lot of friendships. That’s what probably hurts the most. I asked my friends to tell me if I started to drift away. Obviously somebody’s not doing their jobs. I went to a party last night, and have never felt so removed from everyone else. I could sing praises about my girl until the cows come home, and I wouldn’t be lying; but last night hurt. Everyone was just that little bit different to me. Most especially the two girls closest to me that seem to think I can’t talk to them anymore.

I don’t know wether it’s a temporary thing at the start of relationships, wether it will go away, become worse or better. I don’t know what’s going to happen, but im not happy with it at the moment. It’s like “wanting freedom, bound and restricted” because I feel that being myself isn’t being myself when im in that situation.

I miss it already. Then again, there are always aspects of change you miss (and there’s some you relish). But it’s the choice of wether to let go or to hang on which is the hardest choice to make. Its all about listening to mind and heart respectively, weighing up the differences, and going with a story.

Am I the one that’s changing? Or are they? I don’t know, I don’t feel any different. Then again, you can never tell things like that about yourself. It’s a confusing time where I don’t know who I am, or what im going to be.

I guess it’s just change, and that’s always been hard for me.