I Am the Walrus

"The time has come!" the Walrus said,
"To talk of many things:
Of shoes, and ships, and sealing wax,
Of cabbages and kings!
And why the sea is boiling hot,
And whether pigs have wings." --The Walrus and the Carpenter, C.S Lewis

What would happen if the entire world froze for a moment? Not literally; I mean everything stayed as it was. We didn’t grow older, relationships didn’t change, school was always there, the house stayed stable etc.

I guess we’d get to know each other a lot better; probably to the point where we’d want to kill each other! Probably because relationships are meant to be fleeting.

Relationships are like a computer game where you have to collect the most amount of good memories you can in the short space of time.

When a relationship is ended, two things run through your head. What will happen to them, and what will happen to you. After 9 months, it’s like getting an umbilical chord pulled out of you. Yes, It's losing a comfort, but the baby cant learn to eat with its chord still attached.

My thoughts are running to what’ll happen to her. I really worry she’s so fragile. The fact that she acts so strong just makes me so sad. Im so scarred she’s gonna end up with some tosspot that’ll abuse her, I can see it happening in my own head. Makes me sick.

I also worry her next guy wont be as forgiving as I was. She’s so honest lol, she tells you EXACTLY what you are with no holds barred. I mean, I got cut deep A LOT in this relationship, but I understood she knows no better. I just pray that when she tries it in the future she won’t just get slapped for it.

I worry about her future, what she will become. The only ambition she has, she doesn't even understand. It’s like she wants to become something grand without trying, or learning. She doesn't accept help, and that’ll kill her as well.

I want to be there to protect her, but I can’t do it anymore. I can’t keep giving and giving and giving when I get nothing back from her but what she feels like giving. I specifically chose to be the bitch in this relationship, because I actually cared about her…while she cared about me, she never showed it (she never really knew how to).

She opened up to me once. I got a glimpse of the girl I never got to know. The one curled up in the corner of her mind, wildly swinging a machete if you get too close. I touched that girl, comforted her. Once. Never again, the iron bars were pulled back about an hour later. That was all I’d wanted, to help…

That’s the problem with the girls I get involved with. I end up almost pitying them, it’s terrible. Even though it’s the only emotion we truly feel for people that isn’t a sinful one (anger, envy, lust). I guess I want a person who I can protect. Grab the pump and self-inflate my ego. But there comes a point where you realise the person you pity is yourself (for having the audacity to pity somebody in the first place!). Ironic, neh?

Now all that’s left for me to do is the moment of scission. Im gonna take the scissors and tear the painting. Im gonna go C.S Lewis on her. Im gonna slip our relationship off this mortal coil…and its gonna kill me.

With the snip of the scissors, she’ll think she hurts. I hope she notices the blood running down my arm. The IV drip being pulled out.

There's only so much one man can give; and with the end so near, all I want to give is more.

Ironic, neh?