Scientology Shmientolgy

Check out http://www.scientology.org/en_US/religion/index.html and have a read. After you finish a section, you can read a Tom commentary on the wondrous religion that is Scientology (created by our friend Mr L. Ron Hubbard who’s probably sleeping on a pile of money and ripped up religious texts/civil liberty bills with many beautiful women)

Introduction to Scientology
The opening line, saying Scientology is the “study of truth” straight away gives a sense of the sin of pride having already been committed (for you Scientologists, who love results, it took me 2.3 seconds before I realised it was the wrong religion for me, thanks…). An important line to remember in here is “[Man’s] capabilities are unlimited, even if not presently realised “ because it gets nicely contradicted later on.

Parts of Man
I love the line “the body is not a person”, it’s the kind of thing somebody says when they’re getting angry trying to make you believe something. This is where we’re introduced to the idea of Scientology’s maxim of “SURVIVE”. Then they go through the levels of WANTING TO SURVIVE. It’s a fair call having God at the top, then the ‘spirits’ (its true, what have they got to SURVIVE for? They don’t live). It makes sense all the way down to the first dynamic, Individual Man! So Scientologists believe that its more important for the individual to survive then the family? Or Mankind? That’s not exactly very user friendly now, is it? I’ve gotta newsflash for you guys, Mankind as a race tries to survive the most out of ANYTHING. Say there's a bomb on a train and there’s a RAMPAGE for the exit; but have a mugger approach an individual in an alley and we see the man freeze up. True survival tactics are seen when groups are under fire, not individuals…just look at revolutions, foo’!

ARC Triangle and Tone Scale
I thought the aim of Scientology was ‘SURVIVE’, not ‘understanding’? Or wasn’t it the ‘search for truth’? Anyway, while they work out what they want, let’s look deeper. The Tone Scale measures your current feelings and decides how much more Scientology lovin’ you need. Well with only 9 of the 41 tones being GOOD, then anyone using this scale has a REALLY high chance of running quickly over to the nearest Scientology donation box and helping ‘L. Ron Hubbard’ pay for his new boat.

The Answer to Drugs
I’ve got to agree with them on this one (except I would advise Mr Hubbard not to use the phrase ‘Purification Rundown’ because it, God forbid, makes you sound like some sort of cult)

Auditing and the E-Meter
Don’t you love how they keep trying to tell you the Latin origin of words so the phrases they use don’t sound as confrontational?

Man 1: OH MY GOD, THEY SAID THEY WANT TO GIVE ME AN “AUDITING SESSION”!!!!
Man 2: Its ok! ‘Auditing’ comes from the Latin word meaning ‘to listen’!
Man 1: Oh, well that’s ok then! What’s that, Mr Scientologist? You want me to go in that room? Doesn't it say "Lobotomy Room"?...oh! You say it’s MEANT to say “Auditing Session Room”, of course!

And the little E-Reader they have? If anyone’s seen Napoleon Dynamite, then they’ll understand why I think of the time-machine when I look at that E-Reader…Oh yeah, and do you know how much this 'spiritual enlightnement' costs? $365,000 - $380,000. Per session. L. Ron Hubbard just put a down-payment on his new house...http://xenu.net/archive/prices.html

States of Existence
Love the opening line, “Man is so visibly MAN!” it reminds me of myself when I can’t find words to describe what I’m saying. And the little mention of Buddah to show they’re ‘tolerant of other religions’? I laughed. Lets have a look at these sub-sections:

-Communication: I hate the idea of artists being a ‘cut above man’ because of what they do. Art is not the ‘true communication’, it is just a different form of communication.

-Problems: “When a being can make problems vanish with a glance he is no longer a man” you bloody right he’s not, he’s a fucking robot.

-Freedom: You say Man (notice the capital ‘M’? How audacious of them) is truly free when he has no memory of past trouble? Mmmm, so you want to get rid of bad memories so nobody thinks “hey, things used to be different”? Sounds a bit Orwellian/totalitarian to me…

-Ability: *cough Oligarchy cough*

-Power: The magician is truly powerful because he distracts with one hand while pulling rabbits with the other…
-Clear: “Proof that man is basically good”?! *points to door* get out of my house now please.
-Operating Thetan: Sounds like the Force to me…

What is Diatenics?
Oh my God, what a laugh those statistics were. I wonder what instrument they used to measure somebodies ‘happiness level’? Or their place on the ‘depression scale’? Oh, did they just ask them? Was that before or after the ‘auditing session’?

How the Mind Works
It’s all so clear to me now! To be happy, I start listening to my analytical mind rather then my natural impulses! That’s convenient, because my natural impulses are saying “RUN TOM OH MY GOD IT’S A CULT AND THEY WANT YOUR BRAIN AND THEY WANT TO CONSUME IT AND TAKE AWAY YOUR FREEDOM/MONEY AND MAKE YOU ANOTHER FACTS PERSON THERE WILL BE NOTHING BEAUTIFUL LEFT IN THE WORLD AND THE BALANCE OF LIFE WILL BE OVERTHROWN” and if I listened to that I wouldn’t become graced by Scientology!

The Clear
Just look at the girl in the picture. I bet you if you looked at the other side of her head you'd see the scars where they removed her brain. Enough said.

The Book that Started it All
Plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug plug.

Aims of Scientology
You may as well look up 'contadiction' in the dictionary for THIS section. They think world peace is possible technologically, but they're non-political. They want to "elevate society" but they want no revolution. They offer help, but say to be suspicious of offers of help. (One last note, Hubbard! Remember when i said that you MAYBE POSSIBLY JUST A TEENSY-WEENCY LITTLE BIT sound like a cult? Well saying the 'sun never sets on Scientology' might just ruin that image...lucky im not listening to my natural impulses!)

Conclusion
If this got any more like a pyramid scheme, Mr L. Ron Hubbard, the British Museum would corner you off and declare you a national treasure. I think I’ll stick to my Christianity; if I wanted my civil liberties and individuality taken away, I’d go join the Communist Party. Thanks anyway.