Love

     "True, we love life, not because we are used to living, but because we are used to loving. There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness" --Friedrich Nietzsche
 
     You know, I’ve never really touched on the subject of love before, and with good reason. I knew the love of family, and the love you have for nature and life etc. but I’ve never really known love for another girl. 
      I think I feel that now, but I don’t want to preempt anything. It’s an intriguing subject, for what is love? For me, it used to be all physically based. I know I used to say things like “I'll only go out with her if she’s smart” and “I'll only go out with her if she’s nice” but it was really just talk. But now I really do see differently.

      I don’t believe in love at first sight; because I cant perceive it to be anything but physical. Once I got to know Liz (not her real name!) it really just seemed right, but when I first met her I never would have guessed how I would feel about her. 
      I’m constantly thinking about her. I think about the flowing way she moves, the quiet yet eager way in which she talks, her facial expressions, the smell of her hair and clothes, her little mannerisms (like saying “nah” when she’s embarrassed, her way of shivering when she’s cold and her need for constant movement!), her voice (cute and timid, but when she sings it becomes powerful and full of vibrato {as I found out at Hot Mikado, "Katisha's Entrance"}), her sparkling eyes, her sexy slight-built body (“Katisha’s Entrance” again!), her interests…for the first time ever I can remember details with pinpoint accuracy the first time I hear them! I know she likes Indian food, she has size 8 feet and she loves Evanescence, Linkin’ Park and the Tall Poppies! She plays the piano with such grace, and loves Simon and Garfunkle. And she loves chocolate!
     Every time I meet her I walk away in euphoria. When I don’t see her for a day, I start to pick at everything I’ve ever done in her presence. Eating away at myself, looking for mistakes and killing myself over them. I subconsciously count the days until I’ll see her next. I feel obsessive, and then I feel like it’s all in my mind. The fact that this hasn’t happened before creates conflict in my head to whether it’s reality or whether I’m just doing this to myself because I haven’t felt this serious about a girl before.

     It was so gradual, and at the same time, so sudden. One day, I thought, “I could very well be in love with this girl!” I just plain didn’t notice her at first, but then as time went on I started to see that I was always thinking about her, and that I had a good time when I was with her. 
 
     Another thing that might explain this is my gut feeling (and feeling of everyone else that I have talked to) that Liz likes me back. Whether she loves me with the same effort I do, I don’t know. As my friend said “Time will tell”. Anyway, maybe the fact that somebody that I care for cares for me intensifies my feelings.
 
     I guess love is where you can literally put your life on hold for somebody. My grades have been slipping, I've gone almost $40 over my phone bill, and I find myself not listening to people anymore, because my mind is elsewhere! 
     Love is where you are so blind you can't look 5 minutes into the future to see the consiquences of your actions, her face pops into your mind and makes you smile no matter what the occasion, and you find yourself thinking impulsive things and doing things even more impulsive! I'm loving every minute of it.
 
     Of course I do worry that one day, when I tell her, I'll find she dosen't like me back. Unrequitted love. I've run over that scenario a lot. Sometimes I think it really could kill me (never being able to kiss her could very well do that!), sometimes I think i might be for the best (to stop this crazy ride before I lose myself!). But I think that brings up the only rule of love:

     Do what is needed, at the time you need to do it, and you'll be fine.