The Smack of Reality

"We forget cruelty and past betrayal, heedless of where the next bright bolt may fall" --Robert Graves

*All names have been changed so as not to incriminate the real people.

It's really hard to accept when somebody you know really well reveals their true side. Somebody you idealize and look up to can shock you in a matter of moments, everything you think you knew flies out the window. And it kills you when it happens.
Jimmy is the guy that it's hard not to look up to. He is a great musician, sportsman, singer, friend, lady's man and is always up for a laugh. He's always looking out for people, and gets a lot of friends with his 'quick-to-smile' nature and his jokes. He always makes you feel as if you're the only one in on everything he says, and he makes you feel special, which is what bring the ladies running.
When I first heard of Jimmy's little escapades, I just put them aside. "Liz just upset that he said no to her, its natural for her to feel that way" I thought. Then I heard about how cruel he was to her. Saying that when you like somebody and they don't like you back is 'Liz-itis'. How demeaning! As if she didn't feel bad enough, the poor girl! And they way he goes on and on about it, slowly punching and kicking her self-esteem until its on the ground, crying and alone. How could he do such a thing to somebody who loved him?! How could he even THINK ABOUT IT?! She's such a beautiful person, so fragile and yet it's like he's taken to her with a sledgehammer, beating her till she's BLEEDING AND SCREAMING AND HE DOESN'T CARE!!!!!!
It's even worse what he did to Megan. She's head over heels for him, and he KNOWS it. So he blows her off for some floozy with big tits that he thinks he can score with. When THAT doesn't work, he comes crawling back to her, saying he's up for some "casual fun"! Does he have NO RESPECT?! She bloody hates herself already, has no fucking idea who she is or what she should do and he comes over looking for a cheap root?! WHAT THE FUCK IS HIS PROBLEM?! How he has the AUDACITY to even ASK!! She's awake at night, every night, thinking about him. Going over things in her mind, making up fantasies where he's the good guy and he takes her in his arms and loves her! She obsesses over him, and all says is "you may as well, its the closest you're going to get". How could he say THAT?!
Megan's a beautiful girl, and she thinks she's NOTHING! She said to me, "I hang around him, and I put myself down for him and compliment him". And he goes and starts with other chicks?! What is wrong with him?!
The worst thing is, I see him and I see how he's hurt the girl I love and killed her inside. It tears me apart slowly, I want to punch him and shout at him and tell him how much I HATE WHAT HE'S DONE AND I WANT EVERYONE TO KNOW BUT I CANT!!!! I see him and I just see what everyone else sees. A nice guy. The guy I idealized. I can't hate him, and I know how Liz's hurting and she hates him but she's like me! She can't hate him either! He's got an aura that you can't penetrate, a hold over everyone. He has this way of talking that sounds like he understands you and wants to help you. Even now, while writing this I can see him and I can't see the monster that's destroyed these two girls. I see the guy that I wanted to be, and it hurts me.
He'll go though life, and it'll unfold before him. It'll lay things at his feet and he can take them as he pleases because he can do WHATEVER HE WANTS AND NOBODY WILL STOP HIM. Whatever he wants, whoever he wants, whenever he wants and nobody can do a thing. I feel scared about it, because of this power. The scariest part though is the fact that even if they know, even if they know what kind of person he is, nobody will do anything. They can't. He owns me, he owns Megan and Liz and everyone. Even if you could break it and say something, nobody will do anything. They won't believe you (or won't want to believe you).
These people exist, and there's nothing we can do about it. It's like taking that final look at reality and 'doing a Winston'. "I love Big Brother".

Karma

       "Karma is a word, like love. A way of saying: 'What I am here to do'" --Ramah, "The Matrix Revolutions" 
  
     What are we here to do? Nobody has the answer. Ever since ancient times people have wondered about what, exactly, we are here for.
     If you ask me, the point of our lives cant be decided by somebody else. We aren't all here for the same reason. I belive that our Karma, our destiny, is up to us to discover.
     Everybody has a different veiw on how the world works. Some people think the world is a beautiful place, full of wonder and excitement. Others see it as a cesspit of corruption and greed. This all affects what we do in life and how we do it.
     Some people know their karma from the start. They believe they have been told by God, or that they just know what they have to do in their minds. Wether that is a good or bad thing is up to them to decide.
     Some people discover their karma along life's path. For example, let's imagine you are walking down a street and a cliche hits you. There's a burning building and everyone outside is screaming because there is still somebody inside. Now that is a choice that effects your destiny. Do you run in, heroic like, and rescue the poor soul at your own expence? Or do you walk right on by and let the firemen do their job? Karma gets dropped into your lap and it's up to you wether to pick it up or shake it off. 
       
     But what is destiny anyway? What does karma do in the long run? I believe that karma always involves helping others. That's the point of life. You can't escape it, everything you do and say effects others. What is important is how you use your karma.
     Karma is not good or bad by nature. Because there is good and evil in the world, destiny has happy and sad endings. But no matter what the karma is (good or bad) it always teaches us lessons.
      
     Thats the worst thing about people and karma. When bad karma happens, people go "oh no, what a tragedy, how terrible" and get sad (or angry). When good karma happens people go "how nice, what a good thing" and get happy.
     I'll say it now, you have to learn lessons from other peoples karma! That's what it's there for! That's the point of Karma and that the point of destiny and thats the point of life! Learn from people!

The Balance of the Universe

"There is no such thing as a man willing to be honest. That would be like a blind man willing to see" --F. Scott Fitzgerald
 
     There are a lot of problems with being a ‘nice guy’. The number one problem is that nobody tells you anything. Everyone has this huge problem because they think it will “hurt your feelings” and it really is a problem. Everybody else knows everything before you, other people are let in on secrets and you can never really know somebody.
     People hide things from you when you’re a ‘nice guy’, and I guess I can’t blame them. When you tell nice people about your problems, you can only expect one reply. Something along the lines of “oh, no” or “that’s too bad”. People go to honest people when they have problems, because they’ll get honest feedback. That’s what people need.
     The big thing about honest feedback is that nobody likes it, yet everybody wants it. It’s a very tough thing to take. To use an example; if you like a girl and she doesn’t like you back, would you rather she said “no” straight off, or ‘pity date’ you until she can take it no more? The answer I’d take is the honest no, I don’t know about any of you.
    
     There is a big difference between honest and nice. The word nice, to me, is such a plastic word. It’s very sweet on the tongue, and it’s not a negative comment, but I would much rather be called honest. It’s much more of a compliment.
     Nice is when people will lie to you at all times as long as you feel good. Don’t get me wrong, this isn’t a bad thing in small doses, but when something like the above situation occurs, the lie becomes more painful then the truth (strangely enough!).
     Honest people know when the time has come to be honest. These people are very hard to find. I myself have found a few, but they wouldn’t want their names on the internet. These people put others before themselves, not to be noticed or to be remembered as “the guy who was good enough to do that” but just because it is what they do.
           
     These people are always there, and always tell you what you need to hear. Whether it is a white lie to motivate you to try harder, or the harsh truth to stop you from doing the wrong thing. These people have risen above these standard human, and should be commended, because that is a tough thing to do in a society like ours, where the different are outcast (in most cases). 
     But these people live up to their names, they are honest. They don’t like the limelight, and would rather do their job quietly then draw attention. These unsung heroes shy away from the glare of publicity, because they know that good deeds feel good because they are good, not because of the reward. 
      They aren’t all people working for the Salvos, or St Vincent de Paul (though that in itself is commendable) but most of these people do it unconsciously, not knowing that they are good people. 
       
     I call these people Angels.
           
     I really do believe in the angel theory. There are some people on this earth that I think are (unknown to them) spiritually superior. Sent by God? It depends, but wherever they come from it doesn’t matter. These angels are the guardians of the Earth, the universes way of holding us together, the glue of the human psyche.
           
     Look at us, the human race. We are a beautiful representation of the balance of good and evil. We all have the potential to go either way. Inside us we have anger and hate, balanced with calm and love. Most of us grow going neither way, because of the choices we make we end up in the middle, living in “sin” but also doing good things for ourselves and others. 
     With balance comes the obvious need for unbalance, and this can occur with the “end of the scales” evil people. We hear of them all the time; Hitler, Saddam, Stalin, Himmler, Osama, the Klu Klux Klan, wife beaters, child rapists, murderers, the list is endless! Evil itself is the opposite of good, and therefore, these evil people crave the media and the limelight as much as our ‘angels’ repel it. A big factor of evil is fear, and nothing spreads fear like evil. 
      Now, with the scale of life weighted down by evil, good needs to be created to balance the scale again. Angels are created, people so pure of heart and honest of mind that it is incomprehensible to us. While these good people do not look for the media, it sometimes finds them, because everyone loves a “nice” story. People like Jesus, Mother Teresa, Princess Diana, Nelson Mandela, Martin Luther king; all these people humble us, the seem almost inhuman with what they have done.

     There are millions of angels that we never remember, the dedicated fireman, the person who gives up his seat on the bus for the old man, the loving father/mother, the missionary, the friend that would rather get you angry at him then let you come to harm.

     Which of course brings us back to the starting the point. Because in the end, angels would sacrifice themselves for others (even in something as small as a conversation at school) then let others come to harm.
     Everyone knows angels in their lifetime, and we all have the potential to become one. Think about it, could you be an angel to somebody? Are you? Are you an evil person to some people?
     Angels are the walls that were made to be leant on, but without them the house comes crashing down. Evil is the crack in the roof that lets the rain in, but without it, nothing would ever be fixed or changed.

     The universe is perfectly balanced, and always will be.

Love

     "True, we love life, not because we are used to living, but because we are used to loving. There is always some madness in love, but there is also always some reason in madness" --Friedrich Nietzsche
 
     You know, I’ve never really touched on the subject of love before, and with good reason. I knew the love of family, and the love you have for nature and life etc. but I’ve never really known love for another girl. 
      I think I feel that now, but I don’t want to preempt anything. It’s an intriguing subject, for what is love? For me, it used to be all physically based. I know I used to say things like “I'll only go out with her if she’s smart” and “I'll only go out with her if she’s nice” but it was really just talk. But now I really do see differently.

      I don’t believe in love at first sight; because I cant perceive it to be anything but physical. Once I got to know Liz (not her real name!) it really just seemed right, but when I first met her I never would have guessed how I would feel about her. 
      I’m constantly thinking about her. I think about the flowing way she moves, the quiet yet eager way in which she talks, her facial expressions, the smell of her hair and clothes, her little mannerisms (like saying “nah” when she’s embarrassed, her way of shivering when she’s cold and her need for constant movement!), her voice (cute and timid, but when she sings it becomes powerful and full of vibrato {as I found out at Hot Mikado, "Katisha's Entrance"}), her sparkling eyes, her sexy slight-built body (“Katisha’s Entrance” again!), her interests…for the first time ever I can remember details with pinpoint accuracy the first time I hear them! I know she likes Indian food, she has size 8 feet and she loves Evanescence, Linkin’ Park and the Tall Poppies! She plays the piano with such grace, and loves Simon and Garfunkle. And she loves chocolate!
     Every time I meet her I walk away in euphoria. When I don’t see her for a day, I start to pick at everything I’ve ever done in her presence. Eating away at myself, looking for mistakes and killing myself over them. I subconsciously count the days until I’ll see her next. I feel obsessive, and then I feel like it’s all in my mind. The fact that this hasn’t happened before creates conflict in my head to whether it’s reality or whether I’m just doing this to myself because I haven’t felt this serious about a girl before.

     It was so gradual, and at the same time, so sudden. One day, I thought, “I could very well be in love with this girl!” I just plain didn’t notice her at first, but then as time went on I started to see that I was always thinking about her, and that I had a good time when I was with her. 
 
     Another thing that might explain this is my gut feeling (and feeling of everyone else that I have talked to) that Liz likes me back. Whether she loves me with the same effort I do, I don’t know. As my friend said “Time will tell”. Anyway, maybe the fact that somebody that I care for cares for me intensifies my feelings.
 
     I guess love is where you can literally put your life on hold for somebody. My grades have been slipping, I've gone almost $40 over my phone bill, and I find myself not listening to people anymore, because my mind is elsewhere! 
     Love is where you are so blind you can't look 5 minutes into the future to see the consiquences of your actions, her face pops into your mind and makes you smile no matter what the occasion, and you find yourself thinking impulsive things and doing things even more impulsive! I'm loving every minute of it.
 
     Of course I do worry that one day, when I tell her, I'll find she dosen't like me back. Unrequitted love. I've run over that scenario a lot. Sometimes I think it really could kill me (never being able to kiss her could very well do that!), sometimes I think i might be for the best (to stop this crazy ride before I lose myself!). But I think that brings up the only rule of love:

     Do what is needed, at the time you need to do it, and you'll be fine.

Life 101

"How sad to see a father with money and no joy. The man studied economics, but never studied happiness" --Jim Rohn

There is a lot of impact on what we do in life. Every choice we make shapes our lives. The hardest thing to do is to take a look at your life in baby steps. If you look at every little thing you do, you can see where your choices are taking you, and how they affect others.
Some people try to bluff their way through their social life. Some have all the confidence, but they are still 'running to nothing' (even if they don't believe that they are). In a way, we all are. We don't know what's going to happen, or what awaits us when we get older. In a split second, our lives can change.
Some people enjoy life, and some people enjoy hating life.

It is very hard to make the best of a bad situation. As much as you think you are prepared for what life throws at you, when life gets tough, only the best get going again.
There are people that worry too much about what happens in the world. In some ways, they are the smart ones. I guess it's better to be safe then sorry.
I believe that it is detrimental to pity everyone. If you look close enough at somebody, you can easily start to pity him or her because everyone has his or her faults. But you don't know everything, and you shouldn't pity them because of a different life.

Everybody needs something to believe in. Whether it's God, philosophy, the surf, music, society or just getting up in the morning; if you don't have belief you are just another lost soul, and their aren't many people that go looking for them.

A lot of people don’t like to philosophize. I guess they believe that it doesn’t take you anywhere, and that you never get any closer to what you question. I think that is the point of philosophy.

Life is as tough as you make it out to be. I guess that if you 'believe' in a tough life, then those choices that you make will show that. You chose the harder road because you believe that if it's tough, then you are right. But you can take the fun and easy road and still end up in the right place; it just takes longer (which could make it the hard road?).

I guess life itself is quite hard to tackle as a subject. I really find there to be only three real paths. The three L's.

- Learn as much as you can: One of the things that you can always be sure of is that you don't know everything, and that there are interesting things to learn just around the corner. This also means read as much as you can! Brilliant literature has been written for a reason, and it might be to change your perspective on things.

- Love as much as you can: Another thing that will always be around. Put it to good use, for it's the strongest emotion and it needs to be freed. It makes life just that little more beautiful. Yet I don't think I know the true extent yet.
Laugh as much as you can: I love laughing. It creates that great warm feeling inside you. It is such a gift that we as humans have, the gift of humor. If you can find it in everything, it will make you a better person, especially to those around you.

- Laugh as much as you can: I love laughing. It creates that great warm feeling inside you. It is such a gift that we as humans have, the gift of humor. If you can find it in everything, it will make you a better person, especially to those around you.

Depression

     "We enjoy warmth because we have been cold. We appreciate light because we have been in darkness. By the same token, we can experience joy because we have known sadness" --David Weatherford
 
     I find it bad when people get angry at life’s bad dealings. A friend of mine finds life to be a chore. I find that so hard to believe.
How can you find it so bad, when there is so much beauty? I’m not talking about the obvious stuff: views from mountaintops, sunsets and love, but the beauty of subtlety.

     When you read this, if you read this, I want you to go outside and pick up a leaf. Look at the leaf. Think of the millions of little chlorophylls absorbing light and CO2 and changing it into breathable air that feeds the earth. Something so fragile feeds so many without even knowing about it.
     Of course, you may look at it and think why am I looking at a leaf that a 16-year-old boy from Melbourne thinks is special?
     I then want you to lift up that leaf to the sunlight and look at it again. You should be able to see millions of veins inside the leaf. Not so fragile anymore, eh? It looks like the inside of us.

     I believe in the Earth/Gaia theory. The fact that the Earth has a spirit makes sense in my mind. This spirit could be God, Allah or a Budda; I don’t know. But it is there. It feeds everything which in turn feeds everything else. This spirit is a lot like us, as I'm sure we're life everything else in the universe. It probably doesn’t know why it is there, or what it is doing, but it does the best with what it has. So it has billions of things that seem to want it dead, and billions that want it preserved, so what? 
     But about those billions that don’t care? That’s what pisses me off.
 
     How can everything work so smoothly? Everything is balanced by everything else. I like that, but some people still don't see it.
    
     Speaking of which, I recently saw the 3rd instalment of the Matrix again. I love it, and I know why. I love the way life is portrayed in it. Everything needs something to balance the equation.
     This is why I know that there can never be world peace. We need evil and confrontations to balance the equation. We also need it to learn. That’s why I never pray for world peace, or to be free of bad things happening to me. I know that I need them to help me learn lessons in life.
     “Why learn lessons in life?” you ask. “What do you need them for? You die in the end, and where does that leave you?”
     To answer this, I’ll tell you what I believe. I believe that physical life is just the beginning. Like childhood. Maybe you start a new phase of life when you die? Where, how and what are questions I’ll leave up in the air.
 
     I believe that if there is an entity out there that controls the universe, that can cross all dimensions and barriers of space and time to deal with your departed spirit, it would give you what you want.
     If there is a God, when you died, I belive it would fufill your religious dreams. If you belived in heaven, you would “go” to heaven. If you belived in re-incarnation, you would “be” reincarnated.

     So far it looks like I’ll be re-incarneted, going to heaven, joining Gaia, starting a new spiritual life and becoming a saint.
    
     Lol, that just shows how confused I am, but thats what I love about life (and what some people get so depressed about)

My First Post!

     "You were born an original. Don't die a copy" --John Mason
 
     If you're looking at this page, it seems you've taken an interest in what i have to say. I hope it stays that way, lol.
     Most of these posts are full of random thoughts, such is the way in which they come to me. So remember that, and i'll try not to be too confusing.
 
     16 Years is a long time. Longer then people may think. After 16 years of life (or anything for that matter) your pretty much have the basics down. The teens are a time for modifying life. It happens, wether you want to or not.
     Most people have trouble with it and call puberty a hard time. Some people get angry that they have to, and feel troubled and angered that they are “caged in” by life. And there are a few people who question it. It looks like im one of them.    

     Life is a difficult subject to tackle. People have trouble dealing with life, for they think that if they forget about it, everything will turn out fine. The fact is, life is short.
 
     There are a lot of people that will do anything for money and I think that is sad. You only have to watch reality TV to see it. People might think that money will get you places, but if you think about it; in the end, you still die. Money is useless in heaven (or hell).

     I am a very religious person, im not afraid to say it. I think people without religion are lost in their lives. They’re trying to make sense of life on their own. You can’t. Nobody can. It’s like going to a class for ancient Egyptic algebra when you’re not even graduated from primary school and not asking for help. 
     Some people take religion and use it to their full extent, by asking God for help and for help and receiving it. Some people take it as a placebo, and that’s ok too. As long as it helps you. The scary thing is, though, is that some people know they’re taking religion as a placebo. Doesn’t that create a conundrum?

     I love conundrums. They’re what make life great. They keep us on our toes. We need them so much; otherwise we’ll stay stale and passive. That’s a bad thing. How can we keep advancing without moving?

     There’re many types of people out there that want to slow life down for people. I don’t get that, and that infuriates me (but in a way, I like that). I guess they don’t know where their life is going. BUT WHY SLOW OTHERS DOWN? Maybe they don’t know the consequences. Then again, they’re not stupid. 
     Then again, they would be if they want to slow others down. 

     I’ve long thought about why success in life is so important for people. The hardest question for me, though, is why do I want to be successful? I want a job as a psychologist/writer/actor etc. and a family. I want a pool and a fast car but I don’t know why.

     I believe in the whole “everyone is on Earth for a reason” thing. It makes much more sense that way. But life shouldn’t make sense, that’d be too easy (but I’ll get to that later). I think I am on Earth to help give people a new lease on life. That’s what I hope to do. But I’m only 16.
 
     Well, there's my first post. I know I went on a bit of a rant, but I hope it started your brain wheels turning, that's important!