Jealousy and Me

"Nothing is more capable of troubling our reason, and consuming our health, than secret notions of jealousy in solitude." --Aphra Behn

*All names have been changed so as to not incriminate real people.

True jealousy is something that I had never felt before last night. It really tears you up inside, because you know that you don’t hate the person who you are jealous of (in a way, you respect them for having what you don’t) but it's YOU that you hate. You hate yourself for not being able to do it.

Last night, Liz was crying because she couldn’t go on stage. She believed something was wrong with her voice, I’m still not sure what it was, I think she just lost it. Everyone was around her, trying to make her feel better. Then Adrian ran across the road to the McDonalds and got her a Happy Meal (to make her happy). It was genius, and it KILLED me inside. Everyone was “awwww-ing” at how nice it was of him and how they should get together. I was just there, fuming away. There was nothing I could do.

I can’t hate Adrian, I can try but I just cant, there's no provocation really. But when I saw him talking so well with Liz afterwards, it really tore me up inside. I thought I was close to her, but he’s closer, and even if she does feel for me like I do for her, we won’t have what she and Adrian have, and that really hurts.

I really got a reality check that night. I learnt that no matter how much of a "people person" I think I am, I'm wrong. I froze up when she was crying, what can I do? It was the worst feeling in the world, not only that I couldn’t do anything, but that everyone else seemed to be able too. It got me angry, "I’m the only one who feels this strongly about her, so I SHOULD know what’s best!" but I don’t, and thats really painful.

It made me think that I’ll have to fight for her, and I don’t want t0 have to. I’m becoming angrier and more emotional and less trusting and I’m always looking around to see what is going on and how it could affect me and her. I’m going crazy, slowly but surely, and I hate it.

Not being able to tell her tears me up inside, I just want to hold her and tell her how I feel and I know all this stuff will lift, even if she doesn’t feel the same. In a way, it could be safer if she says no. I don’t know how I would react though. I don’t know what is going to happen, or how I’m going to feel (whatever the answer is).
That fear of the unknown is a scary feeling, but it’s like standing at the entrance to a dark tunnel. You know you have to go in, just to see what’s on the other side.

She's implanted herself into me, like a splinter in my mind. Always there. Whenever she laughs, I feel like laughing. When she cries, I just want to hold her until she feels better. Its scares ME, these feelings for her but in a way it makes me feel on top of the world.
It's a very strange thing to be alive for 16 years, to think you've got your basics down, then to feel nameless emotions that have never been felt before. Very strange, but very exiting as well.

For now, it looks like I’ll have to live with the knowledge that whatever comes out of the Liz situation will leave me with experience, and that’s never a bad thing.