My Stupid Mouth

“Oh, another social casualty. Score one more for me. How could I forget? Momma said ‘think before speaking!’ No filter in my head; oh what’s a boy to do? I guess he’d better find one…soon…” --My Stupid Mouth, John Mayer

Everyone has times where they want to say something to somebody, something that they know will hurt everyone involved, but you get so mad you feel you want to say it anyway. And you run scenarios through your head where you say it with more melodrama then an American soapie then turn and leave. But you don’t imagine the aftermath; you don’t imagine what the next day would be like, or the next week. All you’re focused on is getting that anger off your chest and onto someone else’s.

Anger makes you see and do stupid things, its just its nature. I find it interesting that the need to cause somebody pain overrides all other trains of thought so easily. It truly rules you, and everyone does it in their lives. It takes stepping back to see how futile it is (but then again, what if by looking at it like that we are really just making a worse decision?) and when that happens, most of the time you think “oh yeah, lucky I didn’t do that! How stupid I would have seemed, how much pain I would have caused; and it all would have all been for nothing!” but every now and again its different.

Sometimes after looking back you still want to say it. You want to say it, not because you want to cause pain, but because you want others to see your pain. You want to say “look at what ive suffered! Doesn’t that mean anything?!” but that very act causes pain, and contradicts your original goal.

But thinking is one thing, actually doing it is different. You see your opportunity, and you look at the person who’s caused the anger, and you cant do it. No matter how much you would vent you spleen on that person, it wouldn’t help you. And that doesn’t feel good, it actually feels worse. It’s like getting something sharp caught in your throat and swallowing it instead of coughing it up.

Some wounds don’t heal. Some do. But either way, the person was cut in the first place. That’s what matters.